She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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