and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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