Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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