You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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