Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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