SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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