hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
