Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
