forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
