Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
