i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my being single is dangerous.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
