I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
