Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
