I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
