Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
