are you still at the devil's house?
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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