I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
