I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
