you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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