Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
