put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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