I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
