im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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