It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
