she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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