I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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