Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The cops high fived after they tackled you
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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