I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
