goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You ruined the universe
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
