Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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