Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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