Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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