So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
