Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
