Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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