Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
