Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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