he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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