im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
