yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
