I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
