Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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