I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
