it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
