Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
