And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
