There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
