You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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