I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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