Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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