My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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